My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
never ask a starfish for directions
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?