@lawyerthoughts

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

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@bingowings14

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

@online_shawn

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

@auty_schmotty

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

@Tbone7219

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

@Home_Halfway

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

@video_jame

i’m going to eat a bunch of confetti right before i die so when the person doing the autopsy cuts into me a bunch of confetti explodes out and they’re like “lmao this guy was cool as hell”

@badbanana

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

@SamGrittner

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.