My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes