My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
The Punning Dead.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.