I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
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[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
this was the best i’ve ever seen
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
can you read it!!??
maan!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Has science gone too far?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad