My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
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I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.