Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say