my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

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*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.


Oh ya, let’s sit down and talk about it!

*That’s how I end and win any argument with hubby.


Is pregnancy genetic cause my mom was pregnant and so was my grandma and I’m worried


I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.


“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing


Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”


Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.


My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.


Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor


If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.