Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
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I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.