My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.