@SortaBad

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

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@Grommit56

Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.

@zombieparrot

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@jellybnbonanza

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

@jordanklepper

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

@Julian_Epp

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

@Jn1fer

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

@Social_Mime

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.