Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
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*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.