My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
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Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.