My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
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My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
From Facebook just now…
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.