@LoveMyScionFRS

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

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@heroinsdemise

Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I’ve never heard a baby say: “cigarettes,phone and keys alright let’s go”

@Birkalicious

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

@badbanana

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

@SergioValenCo

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

@stacetoned

If you feel like someone is playing mind games with you, they totally are and you should kill them before they kill you.

@DirtMcTurd

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

@matt___nelson

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

@hythemafia

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

@thepunningman

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it