My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
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The Wolf of Wall Street.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.