Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
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Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Do not levitate over flowers
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.