@clyderun

My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

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@EndhooS

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

@DaddyJew

Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.

@elliepeek

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

@mrjohndarby

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

@KKAlThani

I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people’s attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

@ClaytonSykes

Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?

@junejuly12

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

@JohnLyonTweets

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

@KKBowls

Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid

@Introvert_Dad

*wife puts down dinner plate*

*single pea rolls off plate*

Me: oh no we have an esca-pea

Wife:

Me: I don’t care I think it’s still funny