My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

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Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it


Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.


Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.


[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.


Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.


[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought


The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.


Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral


Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.