@clyderun

My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.

You Might Also Like

@broken_rhi

Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it

@SadieSmithRoks

Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

@LackOfShame

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

@reeni730

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

@david8hughes

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

@3BlindMike

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

@nerdonfire1

Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral

@Rollmaninoz

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.