decorating my apartment
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Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards