My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
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I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Bike for sale
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
🖤✌🏽
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
jesus christ confetti not now
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.