@dadmann_walking

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

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@better_off_dad2

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

@lmegordon

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

@Jake_Vig

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

@Adyaces

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

@skittle624

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

@Oxey_Rotten

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

@mantej

Mother’s may get a day, but shark’s get a whole week!

Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day.

…don’t even get me started on black shark moms.

@SirEviscerate

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*