My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

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15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’


I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.


I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.


My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.


The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.


My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.


Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song


Mother’s may get a day, but shark’s get a whole week!

Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day.

…don’t even get me started on black shark moms.


Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*