My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
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[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat