My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Air conditioning – not a fan
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.