My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.