“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!