My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
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Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*