People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
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If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My flabber has been gasted.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Haha good job!!
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.