*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
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The only thing more boring than Lance Armstrong’s interview is the Tour de France.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
what the signs deserve in 2019:
Leo: okay now
Virgo: that they’ve
Libra: stopped reading
Scorpio: i think
Sagittarius: animal crossing
Capricorn: for switch
Aquarius: might have
Pisces: pigeons as townspeople
Guy behind me at a concert recording with his iPad was pissed when I held up my 40″ monitor that was hooked to my laptop, blocking his view
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?
Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?
There’s a little girl’s voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don’t mind her; she died years ago. Here’s your blanket.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.