@brianbowman73

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

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@MatCro

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

@donttouchjames

what if peach and bowser were married the whole time and we were really just controlling a paranoid schizophrenic plumber trying to kidnap his old highschool girlfriend

@Book_Krazy

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

@DanMentos

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

@trouteyes

BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

@mlevchin

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

@ArfMeasures

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what