My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

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CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.


what if peach and bowser were married the whole time and we were really just controlling a paranoid schizophrenic plumber trying to kidnap his old highschool girlfriend


Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave


what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell


BREAKING: A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.


Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.


Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what