My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.