I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Happy thanksgiving
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Smile Twitter, Smile.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.