My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas