@Lovestained555: UBER: Sounds better than "Let's get in this strange man's car!"

@sage_lita: Him: I like a girl who's a good host Me: *trying to impress him* I've had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

@youcancallmesim: Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?

@thenoahkinsey: I shouldn't play with Legos? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

@Chelsea_Fagan: the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn't say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes