@stevevsninjas: *fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

@dinokitten: *at adoption center* "Okay yeah they're all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that"

@JoParkerBear: M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity. Friend: What do you write? M: Oh, only tweets now.

@TedInModeration: I posed nude for an artist once. *selfie stick

@LADaddy: There's a button on this hotel phone that says, "Pizza". I may never leave.