@6thgrade4ever

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

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@heroinsdemise

“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”

@mydanimarie

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

@punmagnate

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

@gitson_shiggles

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

@hipstermermaid

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

@HansGrubertron

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

@piddle_fart

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

@Ristolable

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”