“Removing my make up”
Or how I like to call it:
“Reset face to factory settings”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
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127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”