My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

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Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.


Me: I don’t think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids.

Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.


I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it


i have a heavy flow maxi pad in my wallet so it looks like i have lots of money


Some people wouldn’t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.


Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.


My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.


16: Can you hand me one of those food prong things?

Me: A fork??

16: Yes. Do not tweet this.