My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.