Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …
We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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Me: I don’t think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids.
Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.
I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it
i have a heavy flow maxi pad in my wallet so it looks like i have lots of money
Some people wouldn’t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
@ candidates for local office
16: Can you hand me one of those food prong things?
Me: A fork??
16: Yes. Do not tweet this.