“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
when someone compliments me
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.