My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

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Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.


I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.


When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*


Boss: You have to stay late.
Me: Oh? Do you believe in magic?
M: *throws smoke bomb, gets lost, falls out window, smoke clears


Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is


The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys