My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
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If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.