*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
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Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.
I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Boss: You have to stay late.
Me: Oh? Do you believe in magic?
M: *throws smoke bomb, gets lost, falls out window, smoke clears
B: HE’S GOOD!
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Vodka burrito was a success