@UnFitz

My countless attempts to multiply various numbers by zero amounted to nothing.

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@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

@JurassicPark2go

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

@upsidedowntrash

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

@Half_Mex75

How the hell is the director of the CIA unable to hide an affair?

@jodecicry

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

@donni

Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/

@TheToddWilliams

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.