My countless attempts to multiply various numbers by zero amounted to nothing.

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Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”


we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us


[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever


How the hell is the director of the CIA unable to hide an affair?


Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken


Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/


[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.