my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
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JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”