I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
You Might Also Like
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
good morning