My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
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[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
#Caturday
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.