Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
My cousin in Greece won’t get the vaccine cuz his best friend turned into a blueberry and had to be rolled out of the Wonka factory
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Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
You better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout, I’m telling you why
Emotion signals weakness to your enemy
Be vigilant, my son
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Opportunity knocks once, however temptation likes to lean on the door bell.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.