@PhilJamesson

My cousin in Greece won’t get the vaccine cuz his best friend turned into a blueberry and had to be rolled out of the Wonka factory

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@thepunningman

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

@bingowings14

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

@MichaelTrying

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

@Storminika

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

@iamspacegirl

You better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout, I’m telling you why
Emotion signals weakness to your enemy
Be vigilant, my son

@UnFitz

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

@FilthyRichmond

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

@twylaredsun

Opportunity knocks once, however temptation likes to lean on the door bell.

@deszj

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.