My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
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About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.