@SJSchauer

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

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@DitzMcGeee

beer bottle: if you break me? you get 1 year of bad luck.

mirror: aww, that’s cute. break me? you’ll get 7 years of bad luck!

condom: *walks away laughing*

@samreich

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

@GrantTanaka

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

@jeannerbeaner

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

@RunOldMan

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

@RatCasket

[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]

@causticbob

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

@Izianikapani

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

@not_thenanny

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

@Wishes_She_Was

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too