date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
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Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
road rage
It be like that sometimes 😆
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.