My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

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Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.


Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)


Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?


Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower


Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.


95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.


Don’t fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.


“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.


[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-


My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.