@ktbonz

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

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@TheAlexNevil

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

@Cpin42

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

@Vhalechark

[In bed]

Me: baby, I’m gonna make you groan

Her: you mean moan

Me: *about to tell an awful joke* I do not

@jawbroken

November 5, 2010 I hate the muppets bcuz of the Pig girl, she was disgusting, i hate her with my life, she doesnot leave the lizard alone

@bourgeoisalien

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

@PetrickSara

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.