My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
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My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I think I’m having a stroke
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
This one’s “Alex”.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Autocorrect completely socks
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.