Only a mother’s love …
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After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Things will get butter, keep churning
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do