@Purple_Pito

My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀

You Might Also Like

@kacisuewho

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

@XplodingUnicorn

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

@AliyanShaikh

Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.

@iamspacegirl

autocorrect: Tim!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is TOM we know him.

autocorrect*growling*: Tim.

me *spritzing phone with water*: NO.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.

@robdelaney

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.