@MensHumor
Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
@Purple_Pito
My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀
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@MensHumor
@heatherlou_
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
@3sunzzz
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
@rutesperanza
If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results
@TheToddWilliams
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
@NicestHippo
[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans]
Why doesn’t he simply mount her with no apparent warning?
@IamEveryDayPpl
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
@TheZachCozad
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
@bornmiserable
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
@AndrewChamings
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this