My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀

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Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.


If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.


H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same


If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results


ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me



[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans]

Why doesn’t he simply mount her with no apparent warning?


“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade


“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.


Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this