@starsnbars7 I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
@Purple_Pito My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀
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@starsnbars7 
@Twisted_Mettle I thought landlady was the opposite of mermaid?
@kacisuewho Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
@XplodingUnicorn I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
@HorryPuttor how did harry potter get down the hill?
walking
jk rowling
@AliyanShaikh Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.
@iamspacegirl autocorrect: Tim!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is TOM we know him.
autocorrect*growling*: Tim.
me *spritzing phone with water*: NO.
@Playing_Dad Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.
@robdelaney My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
@KyleMcDowell86 Has anybody told raccoons about crosswalks?