I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀
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I thought landlady was the opposite of mermaid?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
how did harry potter get down the hill?
Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.
me: No no, autocorrect, this is TOM we know him.
me *spritzing phone with water*: NO.
Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Has anybody told raccoons about crosswalks?