My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I feel it
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”