My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
You Might Also Like
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*