My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.