@junejuly12

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

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@TheAlexNevil

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

@LoveNLunchmeat

Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”

@arielsonline

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

@andylevy

“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States

@HenpeckedHal

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

@iwearaonesie

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

@AndyAsAdjective

KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room

ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?

KID: yes

ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight