My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

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*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password


Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”


why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too


“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States


A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.


toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that


KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room

ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?

KID: yes

ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight