My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
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The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Follow me for more fitness tips.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.