My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
You Might Also Like
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.