My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

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The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles


“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God


Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.


I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.


This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.


[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope


gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over


[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.


I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?