@AmazingPhil

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

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@FU_TangClan

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

@ReelQuinn

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

@sixfootcandy

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

@ddsmidt

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

@UnFitz

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

@david8hughes

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

@sosexuaI

gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over

@StoneAgeRadio13

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

@WilliamAder

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?