The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles
Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles
Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
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“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?