My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
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When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free