Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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MARIJUANA is the drug against wars.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“What do u do for a living?”
“Louder for the tape.”
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.
Quit bragging yo. Jesus drove a Honda back in Bible days and said nothing of it.
“For I speak not of my own accord” John 12:49 a.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.