[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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To Doo List:
2. Yabba Dabba
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
That’s easy for you to say
[Brings date back to my place]
Date: It’s kinda cold in here
Me: Why don’t you join me under this blanket?
Date: eh..I dunno
Me: *shaking mom awake* can you scooch over abit
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.