@PaperWash

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

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@david8hughes

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

@daemonic3

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

@Alex_but_online

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

@peachesanscream

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

@Kryzazy

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

@Ochie2S

[Brings date back to my place]

Date: It’s kinda cold in here

Me: Why don’t you join me under this blanket?

Date: eh..I dunno

Me: *shaking mom awake* can you scooch over abit

@bingowings14

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.