My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
You Might Also Like
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Spring of Deception
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
socratic questions
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone