@PaperWash

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

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@ThugRaccoons

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

@fro_vo

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

@TheHyyyype

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.

@Sassafrantz

If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it’s one of those circus bears, you never know.

@Terdoh

Quit bragging yo. Jesus drove a Honda back in Bible days and said nothing of it.

“For I speak not of my own accord” John 12:49 a.

@Roweboat13G

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.