@BrandonBrown522

My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year’s 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year’s chili cook off.

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@TheCatWhisprer

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

@tree_bro

Why Can’t I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl

@UrbanDouchebag

Book Of Tim, 3:13. Behold, the lord said unto them, leave not your nachos unattended for quickly they become the spoils of thieving women.

@daemonic3

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

@JJSummertime

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

@FeelingEuphoric

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

@DRUNKHULK

THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!

@Sarcasticsapien

I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.

@ParasiteHilton

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

@LaniBeno

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.