Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.
My cow Rosie won 3 blue ribbons at last year’s 4H show so I have pretty high hopes for her at this year’s chili cook off.
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Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I need better friends
TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?
ME:*nervously* inside the plane
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*