My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
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My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war