@OhNoSheTwitnt

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

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@JoshDenny

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

@CooIStepDad

[Riot]

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

*far in the back*

PIZZA ROLLS

“No Jim we want freedom”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”

PIZZA ROLLS

“JIM”

But I’m hungry 🙁

@PlainTravis

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

@copymama

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

@Holy_Mowgli

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

@Momtoteens

If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap in the weight section, I bet they could charge anything they want for a membership.

@dadsrpeopletoo

Therapist: What brings you in today?

Me: Going to be honest here. I have a wife and 2 young kids. I want an hour on a couch uninterrupted. Go get a sandwich or something.

@LostFelicia

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

@MNateShyamalan

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus