Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

Rare photo of two submarines racing