@CakeThrottle

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

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@iRowlf

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

@solsayswhaaa

I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

@iYoungKhalifa

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

@_ElvishPresley_

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

@yerpalmildsauce

Here it is, folks:

“Do imaginary octopi have …

(wait for it)

(wait for it)

PRETENDACLES?”

@MommaWordsIt

My milk of magnesia brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, you sounded younger on the phone.

@Underchilde

If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.

@GrantTanaka

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

@FaisalAdam_

This, being a gentleman thing really works. Women just fall for me when I offer them my handkerchief. Sure it’s dabbed in chloroform…